C & F

So I know I’ve neglected this site like the fat, retarded, red-headed stepchild with the lazy eye who has to wear the helmet and ride the short bus next to the driver so she can keep an eye on him, but I wanted to make sure that I got this one out of the way…
I was actually thinking about this the other day and it’s quite possible (considering how insane a Yankee fan I am) that George Steinbrenner was the one who smacked me on the ass after I was born. I mean, I can’t take my eyes out of my head like Alec Baldwin in “Beetlejuice,” but I’m sure there’s an interlocking NY back there.
To that end, I hate the Red Sox; I really, really do. I know I shouldn’t. I know I shouldn’t give a fuck about them considering they’ve won like 6 Championships to my favorite Yankees 26, but I still can’t stand them. I think maybe it’s the fans and the actual town more than the team.
Personally, if David Ortiz’s fat ass was alternatively striking out and hitting home runs in Yankee Stadium 81 games a year, I’d be happy. If Manny was packing Cannabis Indica chaws in his cheek while he strolled around left field in pinstripes picking the grass, I probably wouldn’t care. If Curt Shilling wanted to lower the average age of the Yankee pitching staff to 63, awesome! If Jason Varitek…let me stop right there, I’ll always hate that goateed motherfucker.
Aside from being a tiny city (with a tinier stadium) that’s hard to navigate and predominantly full of closed-minded (I’m not going to go so far as to call them racist, but some of them are pretty damn close) drunks, Boston just sucks. Sox fans, for the most part, are the loudest, most obnoxious, ill-tempered fans to be around. Yankees lose, Yankee fan gets mad, goes home, probably gets drunk. Red Sox lose, already drunken Sox fan looks for Yankee fan to start fight with.
For me, the kicker was going to a Sox – A’s game my senior year of college. My buddy Dylan (HUGE Sox fan, which makes our friendship even weirder) and I had seats right behind home plate and I had to endure hours of “Yankees suck,” chants and people saying, “Yawkey” or “Bah” or “Wicked.” In the bottom of the 9th the once beloved Nomar hit a walk-off home run, the capacity crowd of 25,000 went absolutely nuts and Dylan yelled “NOMAH!” in my ear for the next two hours. By the end of the season Nomar was a pariah, cast aside in a shocking show of classlessness. I, for the life of me, could never envision Yankee fans treating Jeter the same way. Although it’s not like Nomar showed up and delivered Red Sox Nation 4 Championships in 5 years either…
Now, in case you don’t know me, or couldn’t tell, I enjoy antagonizing people, it’s just my nature. So starting last year (as a matter of fact, the second to last game of the season, when the Yankees clinched the AL East against the Sox) I began my own little battle cry whenever something went wrong for the Red Sox; which depending on my level of drunkenness differs between a pop out to giving up a home run to a loss. I yell it as loudly and as proudly; as happily and as obnoxiously as I can, in the most grotesque parody of a Boston accent that I can muster…

LET’S ALL GO TO THE CASK ‘N FLAGON!