Men’s Bathroom Etiquette

There are several unwritten rules of the men’s room that unfortunately must now be put in print due to the complete disregard some members have for the following Rules…

When entering an empty bathroom, it is NOT okay to enter the middle stall thus forcing any subsequent occupant to sit next to you sans buffer or worse, leave in search of another bathroom.

When entering a bathroom where the bookend stalls are both occupied, it is NOT okay to take the unoccupied middle stall, unless in moments of extreme duress.*

Only men on equal footing should carry on a conversation, i.e. when both are sitting or both standing.
Note: Conversation while both sitting should still be kept to a minimum.

This should go without saying but…when standing next to someone at a urinal the only acceptable place to look is STRAIGHT AHEAD. Closing one’s eyes is considered weird, lest the other occupant believe you to be thinking things you shouldn’t be…

It is NOT okay to join a conversation already underway unless directly invited as such by one of the participants.

When entering a bathroom, if you notice familiar shoes (which is weird enough as it is), it is NOT okay to start a conversation with the stall occupant.

If you are one of those nasty motherfuckers who doesn’t wash his hands upon exiting a bathroom, at least pretend to due so; lest people tell others that you are one of those nasty motherfuckers who doesn’t wash his hands upon exiting a bathroom.

For the love of God, know when to courtesy flush.

* In this case, “extreme” shall mean the possibility of liquid or a reenactment of the Jeff Bridges bathroom scene from Dumb & Dumber.